It’s our eighth-to-last chance to catch a Republican primary debate tonight! We can’t decide if we’re going to watch at our house or Lindsey Graham’s, or if we’re even going to be able to find Fox Business Network in time for the opening statements. It’s gotta be a four-digit channel number, right?

The fourth GOP debate is tonight, with the overall series tied up at zero. We don’t know who’s going to emerge as the winner (because come on, nobody ever “wins” these) but we know who definitely won’t win: Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie, who didn’t meet the necessary poll numbers to stay on the main stage. Will there be more clarity and substance tonight with only eight candidates instead of 10? Hahahahahahahaha no. Well, maybe. But nope.

We in the media are asking candidates a whole lot of hypothetical questions lately, because we’re still months away from voting on anything. Ben Carson was asked which historical figure he’d like to have a beer with (“Jesus Christ,” he said. Or wait, maybe he was just annoyed with the question, now that we think about it.) Jimmy Kimmel asked Hillary Clinton if she would beat Bill in a head-to-head electoral matchup. Now Jeb Bush has been asked by HuffPo: If given the chance, would he kill Baby Hitler? “Hell yeah, I would,” Bush said. So it seems like “Jeb Can Fix It” is really just shorthand for “Jeb Can Fix the Darkest Horrors of the 20th Century, if Given the Opportunity.”

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So when we get tired of asking hypotheticals, we start pairing off the top-tier Republican candidates with one another like we’re in the home stretch of Friends. Who would make the best running mates moving forward? We’re gonna put Trump with Cruz, obviously. Ben Carson and Carly Fiorina, maybe? But our latest obsession (and arguably the GOP’s dream team) is Marco Rubio and John Kasich — two establishment Republicans from large swing states that so far haven’t brawled with one another. A Rubio-Kasich ticket could have an Obama-Biden vibe (young, energetic senator paired with an experienced Washington dealmaker). Yes, it’s still way too early to speculate. Yes, we’re bored. And yes, Jeb and Rand Paul are the Joey and Phoebe.


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